This year has been a time of great acceleration for me. I apologize for not keeping up with my weekly newsletter. I intend to keep up with it at least for the next few months, as I have a lot to share with you all!
I recently attended a training in California where I learned Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP). Ketamine is a powerful psychedelic medicine that first came to market as an aid to anesthesia. Over the last few years, it’s been studied as an adjunct therapy and is proving to be effective in assisting people with issues like medication resistant depression, PTSD, substance abuse, acute suicidal ideology, as well as spiritual/existential crisis.
As of right now, I am able to provide KAP, though I am working to establish a connection with a physician who can administer the medicine, so that I can offer this service in office. In the meantime, if anyone wishes to get an infusion of ketamine at a clinic, I can be available to help with the integration, a key component in the therapy piece. I’ll write more on the science and benefits of ketamine in the near future.
As part of the training, we were offered the opportunity to take two separate journeys with the medicine. I don’t have a lot of experience with psychedelics, so naturally, some fear was coming up prior to my first journey. The night before my first journey, one member of our group experienced a “big” breakthrough during their journey. It was loud, and brought forth a lot of intense energy. Though I could feel and sense what was happening, others became fearful and that emotion permeated throughout the group, which contributed to my feelings of unease.
I woke up the morning of my journey and could feel the fear welling up. I worried mostly about losing control. As soon as I put my shoe on, I was bit by a spider. I knew I would be working in “spider medicine” before I even started my journey with the medicine! (For more on the specific meaning of spider animal spirit medicine, check this out: https://www.shamanicjourney.com/spider-power-animal-symbol-of-creation-weaving-our-realities-infinity-balance-past-present-and-future) Spider medicine is fitting for the week before the equinox too, because it’s all about creation and balance, two themes central to the equinox.
That morning, I went to yoga and could hardly focus, because my mind was adrift with thoughts about whether I could handle this journey or not. I decided to lay in child’s pose and do some of my own personal inner child work. Lying in child’s pose, I called upon the “part” of me who was feeling scared and resisting. I had a vision, seeing myself as an eight year old, in church, dressed in my first communion dress. When I inquired about how she was feeling, this part told me she is terrified to do something “wrong”. She’s been taught drugs are “bad” and “wrong” and she is feeling overwhelmed by the thought of a journey in that realm. I explained to this younger self part that ketamine is a medicine and is not innately “wrong” or “bad”. Those are judgments. I explained how the church programs people to believe in the judgments and those beliefs and judgments keep people stuck. I envisioned a dry erase board and showed her all of the judgments and beliefs she’d created due to the programming in the church. I showed her the beauty in being able to erase anything she no longer wanted to keep. I showed her how easily she could free herself up by wiping the slate clean. I then asked her to attune to her own heart and tell me what is there. Those are her values. She states “freedom, kindness, and acceptance”.
Together, we write those values on the dry erase board and I ask her to feel that into her heart space. As she does, I can see/feel the heart space expanding. I note how beautiful it looks and feels. I ask her if she can feel the healing that creating her own values feels resonating within and around her. As she does, it grows even more. I offer this inner child part an opportunity to re-integrate the whole. I ask her what brings her joy and she says playing on a playground. Together, we create a massive treehouse playground and I set her free to just play and be a kid. We find a protector part who wants to do the work of keeping vigilant and pass the torch, so to speak on this warrior part, who is more mature (both in age and experience). After the inner child part has had time to play and explore, she agrees to re-incorporate. At that point, I feel her melt into me. I laid on my yoga mat and sobbed. It felt incredible.
Later in the day, my dyad partner and I pull two medicine cards prior to the journey. One was “mountain” and the other “river”. Synchronistically, just prior to the journey, one of our instructors played a song. It was titled, “The River”. (I’ll write more about the contents of my journey in the near future. I still have a lot of unpack about the experience.) Afterwards though, I felt completely different. I could feel my crown chakra open wide. it was an unusual, tingly feeling, but felt really good, nonetheless. When I took my vitamins that night, I noticed my throat chakra was wide open. Previously, I would gag and choke nearly every time I took them (especially the big omegas). I hated swallowing my vitamins in front of people, because I felt embarrassed. That is completely gone. Not only do I not choke or gag, but I no longer experience the fear around it.
That night as I slept, I woke up throughout the night, with my entire left side of body buzzing and tingling. At the time, I had NO idea what was happening to me. I felt like the energy was associated with the color green. As I have integrated more, I am realizing that was the sensation and feeling of the soul integration. It took all night to fully integrate and become one again with the whole. That’s what I was feeling.
One of the many gifts that my experience with ketamine (training) gave me, was the ability to reconnect with an exiled part of myself. That part was scared, lonely, and disconnected. With her re-integrated, I feel more complete and the fear is diminished. My throat is clearer and physiologically, I am different. I can swallow with ease. I am also no longer afraid of saying things, which has been affirmed nearly nightly in my sleep state. I am having dreams where I am speaking up for myself with grace and ease, no longer concerned about saying the “wrong” thing.
I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you all in the weeks to come!
Have a wonder-filled Thursday!
Lori
*Photo Credit: Christopher Campbell, Unsplash
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