How to Be the Love You Seek (A Review)

Today I want to discuss Dr, Nicole LePera’s new book, How to be the Love You Seek. This book is full of practical tips and exercises to get to know yourself more intimately. Through that knowingness, we can learn to love ourselves and through that self love, we become the love (internally) we have always been seeking (externally).

Everything about this book is great, from the way it’s structured, to the way it explains things, and it quite literally provides the tools needed to make lasting changes.

In the beginning, it explains how until we heal ourselves, we tend to operate from our unconscious aspect. That unconscious aspect is driven by unmet needs from childhood. Those unmet needs from childhood actually change the chemical make up in our brains. The great news is, the brain is perfectly adept and capable of changing. At any time, we can course correct and change the way they think, which changes how we feel, which changes how we react or respond.

The book goes on to talk about how many people learn to dissociate from their body during childhood. This causes people to operate mostly from their minds as opposed to their hearts. Getting comfortable being in the body helps us to connect with the wisdom of the heart, which is the seat of our intuition. (There are detailed connections made with the research being conducted by the Heartmath Institute). The way we get into our body is learning how to regulate.

There is a lot of information about trauma bonds and how we all fall into categories in childhood which we operate from as adults, unknowingly, until we evolve such as Eruptor, Distractor, Detacher, and Pleaser Modes.

The bottom line is, self love is where it’s at, and that all starts with regulation of the nervous system. Knowing what we need to bring ourselves into balance and practicing is key. In order to know what we need, we have to become aware of our body (body consciousness).

There are exercises for meeting your inner child, understanding your conditioned self (caretaker, overachiever, underachiever, rescuer/protector, life of the party, yes person, and hero/worshipper), and heart coherence which helps us in relation to others.

My favorite exercise is the heart coherence (p. 196-197):

1.) Find a place to lie down or sit comfortably for a few moments. If you feel safe doing so, you may choose to close your eyes.
2.) Take a few slow, deep breaths. As you feel your body begin to settle, take a moment to allow your shoulders to relax, with your shoulder blades rolled down your back. Let your arms hang by your sides, with your palms facing in front of you. Allow your chest and heart to open.
3.) Begin to turn your attention to the area around your heart, breathing fully and deeply into your chest space; it may be helpful to imagine a golden or yellow light shinning out from your heart. If you feel comfortable or called to do so, you may even choose to place a hand over your heart to feel it’s powerful beat.
4.) Spend the next few moments calling to mind someone or something in your life that creates a feeling of unconditional love (whether it’s a person, pet, experience, or anything else) as you invite a feeling of compassion and love to come in to your heart.
5.) When you feel yourself beginning to embody compassion and love, explore and note how its healing energy feels within you. Practice coming back to this place as many times as you can throughout your day and extending this feeling outward towards your loved ones, and the world around you, reminding yourself that love is your true nature.

Here is a link to the audio (it’s the Awaken Your Heart meditation):

If you’re doing the inner work on your own, I highly recommend taking a look at this book. There are a lot of personal stories which help to illustrate how it works in real life and how resilient we can all be.

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