Many many moons ago, I worked for a child placing agency. My job was to go into the homes of prospective foster/adoptive families and interview them to ensure they had what it takes to provide safe homes for children in foster care. One time, I was interviewing a woman who said something I still remember vividly to this day. When asked about her personal philosophy on parenting, she said one thing that bothers her most is when they (kids) don’t listen. She then declared, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. To shut up and listen!” At that time, it struck me as a rather bold opinion.
In my work now, I notice most of the adults seeking individual therapy are wanting help with their ability to communicate. In other words, it’s relationships with others which create the most strife and discomfort to the point people are seeking help in working things through.
Communication is a two-way street and not everyone has the same communication style. Communication styles can be obvious (overt, straight-forward) or subtle (covert, manipulative, passive aggressive). Our energy communicates our state of being-ness prior to use even saying a word. Some people pick up on this and others don’t (it depends on a person’s level of conscious awareness; the more conscious awareness a person has, the more they pick up on subtle cues, including energetic).
People in their ego are eager to share their beliefs, judgments, and opinions. At times, they are already thinking about their response before the other person has finished what they are saying. In other words, they have dissociated from the moment. They aren’t listening.
Listening is the most important aspect of communication. By listening fully and completely we are attuning to the other person, making it easier to understand where they are coming from. From this place of understanding, it becomes easier not to take things personally and to be able to help problem-solve (if that’s what is required).
This week I encourage everyone to practice listening twice as much as speaking. Notice how that feels. Notice what it’s like to really hear what someone is saying and understand where they are coming from. Notice how people respond to you, in like kind, as you change your approach to communication by attunement. Practice reflective listening. Here’s an example, a loved one approaches and says they have had a rough day. Here’s what reflective listening can look like:
Person one: I’m having a really bad day.
Person two: Oh really? Would you like to tell me about it?
Person one: I was arm wrestling at school and someone called me weak. Then I left my book in my locker and got written up. Now, I can’t find my favorite socks.
Person two: It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated.
Person one: And sad.
Person two: You’re sad too. How can I help you right now? Do you need food or a drink of water? Or do you want to talk more about it? Can I help you find your socks?
Person one: I would love a snack and I would love help finding my socks.
Person two: Done (and we both go and do the things)
The above example represents a parent/child interaction. When the parent attunes to the child and gets clear about what the child is thinking, they reflect it back, allowing the child to feel understood. There is an acknowledgment that the child’s feelings are validated. Having feelings validated, helps a person be able to regulate their central nervous system, which makes problem-solving accessible.
Practice listening and let me know you’re thoughts/outcomes!
